The new voting machines look familiar.

I was going to make few jokes here at the expense of the current presidential candidates, but at this point they honestly don’t need any help.

Things that go “fist bump” in the night.

I know it’s been a long time since I posted any content on this blog, but my kids are growing up a bit and I find I have (slightly) more time on my hands.

Our youngest child is now three years old.  Unlike many others of his age, he has never resisted his bedtime.  In fact, he has a grand time rushing through an increasingly lengthy string of goodnight sayings to each member of the family.  These currently  include: good night, sleep tight, sweet dreams, night night, I love you, and see you in the morning.

However, the speed at which he rattles these phrases off at makes it sounds more like – “Goodnightsleeptightsweetdreamsnightnightiloveyouseeyouinthemorning!”

It is usually the last thing he says before he  closes his door for the final bedtime story and snuggle with his Mom.

However, the other night he opened the door again seconds after closing it.  I waited to see what adorable phrase he was adding to the mix now.

He looked at me with his large ernest eyes and said very quietly, “Our house doesn’t have any ghosts…”

“…anymore.”

The door began to shut again.  Just before it clicked, he cracked it open once more and whispered, “Don’t be scared.”

…

As I said above, I finally have enough time to start posting some new drawings.  Goodness knows I’m not using any of it sleeping anymore.

His nail biting was getting worse.

He might be crazy, or he might just be taking his iron supplements.  Maybe it’s just the ones I’ve taken, but they taste remarkably like framing nails.

The original space heater.

Not much of a drawing.  Not much of a joke.  BUT… I am very proud of that freehand circle.  Please take a second look at it so it will have been worth the four attempts it took me to get it right.

Insurance cutbacks.

My health insurance provider has been making some unfortunate changes (higher premiums etc).  As far as I know they won’t be replacing traditional post-op treatments with band-aids.

Yet.

Soccer hooligans.

I went hooligan fishing on Tuesday with a friend.  It was great.  Beautiful weather, very few people, and lots of fish.

LOTS of fish.  I’m not sure exactly how many fish my friend pulled out, but I think in the end he grabbed a few more than me.  This was impressive since I managed to get 252.

I breaded and panfried about a dozen of them for the family.  The bones are so small that they virtually cooked away.  They tasted fine, but hooligan are a “mushy” fish.  People told me this before I got them, but the idea of “mushy” didn’t bother me.

The reality of “mushy” did bother me (It was similar to breaded and panfried toothpaste).  Ick.

“Mushy” also bothered my family.

I have been informed that the remaining 240 fish are all mine.  Ick.

Long walks sideways on the beach.

Keep an eye on his hands – I’m guessing this guy also likes to goose his dates.

Not-so-easy chair.

I like this one.  You might think that I would be happy when I create a cartoon I like.  Unfortunately, this isn’t the case.  Whenever I really like one of my jokes, it just makes me worry that I’ve seen it somewhere before.

His 2x sense of smell provided no advantages.

My scanner decided (for no reason I can discern) to crop the last line of this drawing.  Perhaps the joke is so poor, even my Canon all-in-one tried to edit it.

On the other hand, I posted the perfect pair of glasses for this guy in February (click here to see).

Yes, you can use too much lighter fluid.

Because it is barbeque season, I decided to post the best barbeque sauce recipe in world.  Really!  (It is actually a sauce and a second separate paste, but it is well worth the minimal extra effort.)

Enjoy!

The World’s Best Barbeque Sauce:

• 2 c. grape soda (yup, grape soda)
• 2 c. ketchup
• 1/2 c. apple cider vinegar
• 1/4 c. yellow mustard
• 1/4 c. sugar
• 4 TB black pepper
• 2 TB Tabasco Sauce
• 2 TB garlic salt

Simmer until thick (but still thinner than store brand) while stirring constantly.

Brush sauce directly onto the meat as it grills.  After sauce has thickened from heat of the grill, add a mixture of brown sugar and vinegar to the meat.  We have never measured the amounts of brown sugar or vinegar – just make sure it is thick.  You can also just do the sauce alone, but it is quite a bit spicier without the brown sugar and vinegar paste.

GI Tract Joe: the educational action figure.

Kids love fun so they demand nifty toys.  Moms like learning so they demand educational products.  Companies want to make money so they listen to these demands and create “educational” toys and games.

Moms of the world, we love you – but that doesn’t mean we love toys that make us work to play.  Now you know and knowing is half the battle.

Happy Mother’s Day.

The spirit is weak, but the chin is strong.

In comic books the guys with big chins are superheros (think Superman and Batman).  In real life we get Quentin Tarantino.  And let’s be honest, he’s no Superman.

There was no question, he was a lucky duck.

Just in case you can’t tell, that is a 100 dollar bill he is holding.  I know a hundred bucks isn’t worth what it once was, but he would still be the richest duck I’ve ever seen.

The steroids were having some unexpected side effects.

When I was younger, I spent time at a local gym called Family, Fitness, and Fun.  There was one man who worked out at the same that was most definitely a steroid user.  Although he didn’t have horns or fangs, he suffered from regular bouts of “roid rage.”  One day he failed an attempted lift and started spewing every foul word imaginable.  It was so loud and so profane that everyone in the gym froze.

When he had finally finished, my friend loudly said, “FAMILY, fitness, and fun,” emphasizing the word family.  There were some laughs.  And even a few claps.  Obviously, everyone agreed the guy was out of line.

Almost everyone.

Personally, I was more concerned about making fun of the largest, angriest person in the room.

Washington’s less famous false teeth.

I drew a Lincoln picture recently, so it was only fair that Washington got one too.  I saw a picture of his real dentures somewhere once.  Frankly, he would have been better off with the vampire fangs.

Prescription strength novelty glasses.

This started out as a drawing of regular glasses, but somehow just got out of hand.

It was time to get the mole on his cheek removed.

A few years ago I had to have a mole removed from my shoulder.  There was a very large man in the waiting room.  Very large.  He was wearing the biggest and dirtiest pair of overalls ever and spitting tobacco juice into a soda can.  Not exactly the ideal waiting room companion.  I tried to avoid eye contact, but he still spoke to me.

He said, “I hate the radio.  That music has too much &@$#ing bad language.”

Seriously.

What do you say to someone who uses foul language to complain about swearing?  I’m not sure because before I could say anything he followed up with…

“I only listen to opera.  It’s way classy.”

Who knew the waiting room would be more painful than the minor surgery I was waiting for.

His fear of public toilets was becoming a critical issue.

More than any other cartoon I have posted – this is me.  I am absolutely terrified of public restrooms.

Freedom bread.

Remember when french fries and french toast  were renamed “freedom fries” and “freedom toast?”  It seemed silly, but there was actually a precedent.  During World War I we renamed German Measles as “Liberty Measles.”

huh…

I can see wanting to stake a claim on something as tasty as french freedom fries, but wouldn’t it have made more sense to go ahead and blame the Germans for Rubella?

This power tie takes it to the next level.

Personally, I don’t wear ties very often.  I only wear them for weddings or funerals.  Odd that these two events are at opposite ends of the social spectrum, but they have the exact same dress code.  Hmmm.

I own two ties.  I actually only ever wear one of them because the other is very ugly.  I should give the ugly one away, but I can’t.  I’m not sure why.  It could be many reasons, but I think it could be because I need the illusion of choice.  Obviously I’ll never really wear the ugly tie, but as long as it is in the closet I could. Especially if I ever wear the really ugly shirt that also lives in the closet.