Embarrassingly for a cyclops, he didn’t have a unibrow.

I noticed as I uploaded this drawing that I drew the cyclops wearing fur clothing.  He is obviously not as sophisticated as the psycholoclops I posted a few months ago.

Some death rattles are cute.

When I was very young, our family lived on a small farm in eastern Kansas.  On the farm was a catfish pond that we spent many hours fishing from.  I was the only member of the family to ever pull a fish from that pond.  It was one of the most exciting moments of my young life.  After carrying the fish back to the house, we ran into one small problem.

It wouldn’t die.

We put it in the kitchen sink before it was dead.  Once it was in the sink, the angle made it impossible to deal a fatal blow – and the fish was large enough that we couldn’t get it out of the sink again because of it’s erratic thrashing.  I remember watching my father hit, stab, and even shoot that fish with a bb gun.  But most of all, I remember the fish crying.

Yes, crying.

Some varieties of catfish can produce squeals, groans, and moans.  I don’t know if these noises were it’s frantic death rattle, or just an attempt to create an everlasting guilt in the young boy that caught it.  Either way, it was a long and drawn out process that I’ve never been able to forget.

Worst of all, I found out that night that I didn’t like the taste of catfish.  I still don’t.

At least the ones that cry.

Always brush, never comb your teeth.

When I was in third grade a dentist came to show us the proper way to brush our teeth.  They gave us little red tablets to chew up.  The red coloring from the tablets was designed to dye the plaque on our teeth red.  The object of the activity was to help us see where we needed to brush our teeth better.  The result was a horrible shame session where anyone with poor oral hygiene was teased ruthlessly for months afterward.  Although I was not one of the unfortunate ones, it was a stern lesson on the dangers of public humiliation.

On the plus side – to this day, I NEVER forget to brush my teeth.

My cup runneth over.

This is based on the biblical quote:  Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.  -Psalms 23:5

It means that you have more than you actually need.  This came to mind as I spent time cleaning some of the 250 hooligan (small smelt-like fish) I caught a few weeks ago.

Too.  Many.  Fish.

This is not a Navy Seal.

I debated drawing the seal with the hat shown or an officer’s style hat (the kind with a brim).  After a few minutes deliberation I made a decision.

I decided I must have too much free time today.

His cowlick was a debilitating condition.

My hair pokes up in the places it should lay down and lays down in the places that it should poke up.  If the commercials on TV are any indication, many people have similar problems.

It seems like there are more hair care products on the market every day.  They claim they can control, manage, straighten, curl, wave, soften, and add sheen.  Their solution is a spray, gel, rinse, formula, or lotion

My solution is short hair.

Coffee cake.

Yikes.  Another coffee themed drawing.  One might begin to think that my life revolved around coffee.  Let me just clarify that I only drink one cup per day.  Really.

Granted, it’s a 24 oz cup, but still…

Pavlov’s hotdog.

Please notice he likes it without all the “bells and whistles.”

Vampire bats.

Vampires have suddenly become a hugely popular attraction in all forms of media.  They are everywhere.  Movies, books, television, comics, and anywhere else you can think of.  Now – even 3″x3″ sticky note art.  If I were getting paid, I’ll call myself a sellout.

Very, very bad idea.

Very!

He has an impressive game face.

My wife and I played a game of Pictionary last night with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend.  As we played, it became apparent that we can actually read each other’s minds.  I didn’t know we shared this connection until last night.  When she drew the face of a horse I correctly guessed “gallop”.  When I made a smiley face, she said “joy” (also correct).  I scribbled a sailboat with a lollipop on the side and she knew it was Shirley Temple.

I don’t know if it this is a facet of our 12 year relationship or the result of some rare genetic mutation.  Either way, I’m making myself a tinfoil hat.

Non-alcoholic.

How you can tell if someone is a non-alcoholic:

Answering the following four questions can help you find out if you or a loved one has a soda drinking problem:

• Have you ever felt you should cut down on your soda drinking?
• Have people annoyed you by criticizing your soda drinking?
• Have you ever felt bad or guilty about your soda drinking?
• Have you ever had a drink of soda first thing in the morning to steady your nerves?

One “yes” answer suggests a possible soda drinking problem. More than one “yes” answer means it is highly likely that a problem exists. If you think that you or someone you know might have a soda drinking problem, it is important to see a doctor or other health care provider (perhaps a dentist?) right away. They can help you determine if a soda drinking problem exists and plan the best course of action.

*With apologies to the NIAAA who provide these guidlines (minus the words in italics) on their website.*

Freud’s three parts of the psyche.

I remember one of my first year classes as an undergrad covered Freud’s three part model of the human psyche.  I found the notebook with my class notes a few years ago in a box of old things.  Looking at my notebooks from that year, I was surprised to see how few actual notes there were.  Most of my class time was spent drawing small doodles and sketches.  Some, like the one I modeled this cartoon on, contained at least some useful knowledge from the lecture.

Most did not.

Serial killer whale.

This is a variation of a cartoon I posted a couple months ago.  If you want to see the original cartoon click here.

Key lyme pie disease.

My brother-in-law is currently home on leave from the Navy.  He recently had a frightening bout of lyme disease.  We were all concerned about his recovery.  Let me be very clear, there is absolutely nothing funny about lyme disease.

Key lyme pie disease, on the other hand = pure comedy gold.

Mullets – the hair don’t.

I have very little in the way of fashion sense (I’m the guy who wears the same thing to work every Monday).  However, my generation has seen some popular trends that make even I cringe.  Besides mullets, here is my list of the 10 worst fashion fads of the past 25 years:

• parachute pants
• acid washed jeans
• overalls – unhooked on one side
• toe-socks
• the faux hawk
• “Hammer” pants
• men with perms
• excessive shoulder padding
• “popped” collars
• and recently dresses/skirts worn over pants (I thought only my 3 year old did this)

Less-than-majestic pine.

In Alaska, nearly all the pine trees (spruce, actually) are less-than-majestic.  This makes finding a Christmas tree a little tricky.  One year, my older brother and I were put in charge of bringing home the tree.  Because we were fairly young and completely stupid, this wasn’t the best chore for us.  We wandered around for quite some time finding nothing but scraggly ones.  When we stopped to rest we finally spotted the most picturesque 15 feet of potential Christmas tree you could imagine.

It was sitting at the very tiptop of a 120 foot tree.

The problem was we didn’t need the bottom 105 feet, but we couldn’t climb high enough to remove the top.  Our solution was to simply cut the whole thing down.  When it came crashing down, we were shocked to find that the top of that giant tree was actually just as scraggly as it’s smaller counterparts.  We were very disappointed.

Until we saw the full and beautiful top of the 150 foot monster nearby…

Please don’t ask me how many times we did this before finding a suitable Christmas tree.  I guarantee you wouldn’t like the answer.

Who says their mouths are cleaner than ours?

Every time I see our dogs licking our older daughter’s face, I can’t help thinking where that tongue has been before.

By the way, for anyone who believes the old wives tale about the cleanliness of dog’s mouths, here is a link supporting germaphobes everywhere.  My favorite quote is, “The Center for Disease Control (CDC) says about dogs that: To best protect yourself from getting sick, thoroughly wash your hands with running water and soap after contact with dogs, dog saliva, or dog feces (stool).”

The original public speaker.

I hate public speaking.  Unlike most of the things I say about myself on this blog, I think this is something that is completely normal.

The broken funny bone was a career ending injury.

I broke my arm when I was in high school.  It was very embarrassing.  I broke the humerus bone in my left arm just above the elbow in a skiing accident.  If you are wondering why this would be embarrassing, let me tell you.

I was cross-country skiing.

In case you don’t know the difference, downhill skiing is the cool one.  Like the name implies you go downhill (or usually down mountains). It is fast, fun, and the chance of injury is high.  I was Cross-country skiing. This is when you ski on flat land.  It is slow, laborious, and generally about as dangerous as a ball of yarn.

Like I said, it was very embarrassing.