Although I don’t know the correct stance for riding a surfboard, I am pretty sure it doesn’t look like this.
One Breath Right strip isn’t always enough.
March 21, 2012
Our local zoo used to have an elephant. Because we live in Alaska, there were concerns that she didn’t exercise enough during the long, cold winters. The solution was a custom-built $100,000 treadmill that could accommodate an 8,000 pound elephant.
Unfortunately, she never used it (just like everyone else who buys a treadmill).
He didn’t need braces, he needed flying buttresses.
March 19, 2012
Humor is an evolving and ever changing form of entertainment. Most comedians, authors, and artists continually push the boundaries of taste and comfort to redefine what “funny” is.
Here, I give you a Gothic architecture gag.
It’s lonely here at the cutting edge, but somebody has to keep things fresh and hip.
Some people are natural born flossers.
March 10, 2012
I have a dentist appointment on Monday. I do floss, but nothing about it has ever felt very natural.
Germans love luftwaffels.
March 2, 2012
Our youngest will be turning two this weekend. A few mornings ago I was sitting at the table with her waiting for breakfast and thinking about what a wonderful blessing she is in our house. I leaned over and whispered in her ear:
“I love you today and I will love you every day forever.”
A huge smile spread across her face and she looked up into my eyes with complete joy. We shared a few moments like this before she whispered in the softest and most reverent little voice:
“Waffles.”
…
Next time I’m saving the tenderhearted comments until after breakfast.
The undisputed champ of bear-knuckle boxing.
February 27, 2012
In 2001, my Father and I visited a remote and highly restricted bear viewing area. It is accessible only by float plane and has one food cabin and two park rangers who guide the small number of visitors each week around the area. The rangers stress that the bears in this area are not a threat to people because they are more interested in the fish. However, we were told that attacks were still possible unless you followed three rules:
- Never startle the bears (loud noises, sudden movements, etc).
- Never carry food on your person or eat outside the food cabin.
- Never get fresh blood on your clothes or hands (from fish kills).
Our second night in our tent, I was woken up by the sound of heavy breathing. It was very heavy breathing and it was coming from outside the tent. It was the sound of a curious bear who was repeatedly circling our tent. The huffing and snuffing continued for several minutes before I could muster the courage to wake my Father. I gently poked him and whispered what was happening. My Dad made a snorting noise (that sounded slightly louder than a grenade) and yelled, “there’s no bears here!” before rolling over – never actually having woken up.
All noises outside the tent ceased.
In the silence, the phrase “never startle the bears” blazed in my mind. I held my breath and waited for death.
But nothing happened. No growl, no death, no nothing. I started to wonder if I had been dreaming the whole thing…
UNTIL THE SIDE OF THE TENT BULGED INWARD AS THE BEAR BUMPED AGAINST IT!!!
At this point, I was desperately trying to think of why the bear was so interested in our tent. My mind was spinning in circles until it suddenly screeched to a halt with one thought – I had a Nutri-Grain wrapper in my pocket! Without thinking, I had stuffed it into my pocket when I had been eating in the food cabin.
I had food on my person. It was rule number 2. I was breaking rule number 2!
What did I do? First, I stuffed the wrapper as far down into my sleeping bag as possible and pulled the opening as tight around my neck as I could. Secondly, I panicked. In fact, I panicked so completely that my nose began to bleed.
Nose bleeds = fresh blood.
Oh God.
OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod!
I had broken all three rules. All three! As I lay there silently pinching my nose with one hand and frantically clutching my sleeping bag tightly around my throat with the other, I wondered how long it would be before the end came.
Obviously, the end didn’t come. The bear continued to circle the tent, bumping it every few passes for about an hour before finally moving off into the night.
Despite breaking all three rules, I lived. Why? I can only assume that the 12 gallons of sweat I had released during the ordeal was enough to ruin even a bear’s appetite.
The origins of motivational speaking.
February 24, 2012
Last week/weekend I spent a total of four days in a workshop. It was specifically related to my job, but also related to all aspects of life. It was an amazing experience and I absolutely loved it.
The presenter was definitely a talented motivational speaker, but the pace and intensity made me think he must moonlight as a slave ship drummer.
They just call him the mane man.
February 17, 2012
Just when you thought I’d quit using terrible puns…
Global warming? Yes, please.
February 10, 2012
In November, my wife noticed that my coat was looking worn out. She suggested I look for a new one. I nodded thoughtfully and made some noncommittal noises.
In December, my zipper broke. My wife gave me a stack of catalogs so that I could choose a new coat. I nodded thoughtfully and made some noncommittal noises.
In January, the weather dipped to and held at -25 degrees in our area. My wife showed me a reasonably priced, high quality coat in one of the catalogs. I nodded thoughtfully and made some noncommittal noises.
This month, I mentioned that I needed a new coat. I just need to find one that I like. My wife said, “I already told you which coat you like!” A heartbeat later she added, “yes I said that – and don’t put it on your blog.”
I nodded thoughtfully and made some noncommittal noises…
He remains unimpressed with 3D movies.
February 8, 2012
Despite possessing both eyes, I also remain unimpressed with 3D movies. They’re nifty, but not nifty enough to justify $3.00 more.
Then again, I might just be cheap.
Excessive stretching can ruin a workout.
February 1, 2012
My wife and I started a new workout regime. It includes yoga as one of the components. I have never tried yoga before.
It shows.
It really, really shows.
Really.
I wasn’t graceful. I wasn’t smooth. I wasn’t strong.
I just looked like I was experiencing severe motor control issues.
The sinus infection had taken a turn…
January 30, 2012
Today I discovered two interesting things:
Firstly, drawing a disembodied nose that looks like a nose is difficult.
Secondly, drawing a disembodied nose that doesn’t look like something you would see in crude graffiti is even more difficult.
Some rolling pins are less efficient.
January 27, 2012
My wife is a wonderful cook. She makes almost everything we eat from scratch. Soups, stews, rolls, cookies, breads, jellies, lasagna, pies, refried beans, pizza, cakes, biscuits, manicotti, kringle, and anything/everything else.
I hope nothing ever happens to her.
We can’t afford a chef.
In later life he was known as Paunchy Villa.
January 25, 2012
This marks my 250th post here on WordPress! It has also been almost exactly two years since I first began this blog. Here are the last two years and 250 posts worth of blog stats:
- 1 time “Freshly Pressed”
- 82 different visitor countries of origin
- 275 cartoons have been shared
- 765 comments have been left
- 824 individuals have subscribed
- 3,252 visitors came on the busiest day
- 46,981 reposts/likes on Tumblr for my broccoli cartoon
Thank you to everyone who has (and continues to) visit, comment, and generally boost my ego.
This suitcase is more literal than most.
January 20, 2012
Whew. It was quite a week and I’m glad it’s the weekend. I plan on sleeping in, lazy afternoons, and plenty of doing whatever I want!
Oh, wait.
I have small children.
Forget the original plans and 3D Beauty and the Beast it is!
The world of competitive sideburns demands…
January 18, 2012
I don’t know if there actually is a world of competitive sideburns. I’m going to assume there is because there are so many ridiculous pseudo-sports out there. In terms of interest, I would rank competitive sideburns just below hot dog eating and just above curling.
Sorry Canada.
Don’t use punch bowls for bowl cuts.
January 16, 2012
When I was young, my haircuts always alternated from bowl cuts to buzz cuts depending on the season. This wasn’t because either were particularly stylish, it was simply because my Dad cut the hair in our house.
His tools were simple: one electric clippers, one neck duster, and an ancient pair of thinning shears.
The shears were a relic from the 30’s (last sharpened pre-WWII), the electric clippers were actually intended for dog grooming, and the neck duster had stiffened with age to the point that it felt less like bristles and more like a wire paint stripper.
Ah, the memories.
Not exactly fond memories, but memories nevertheless.
The cost of extra socks outweighs the…
January 14, 2012
This week I realized something about myself.
As I get older my socks are getting longer.
When I was a teenager, I wore those really short running socks that are virtually invisible when wearing shoes. In college, I preferred slightly longer ankle socks. In my mid-to-late-twenties it was crew socks. Currently, I wear mid-calf hiking socks that are dressy enough to match my daily shirt and slacks outfits.
If I’m not careful, I may find my eighty year-old self staring at a drawer full of Renaissance-style tights.
Would holy smokes be subject to a sin tax?
January 9, 2012
Cigarettes are everywhere. I see people smoking them outside stores, used butts on the ground, and rows of them for sale at the gas station. However, I realized today that I actually have had very little to do with cigarettes. Despite seeing them everywhere, I couldn’t draw one with any degree of believability. I finally had to do a quick Google image search to see what the dimensions of a cigarette would be. Even after looking at several different photos I still had to sketch it about half a dozen times before it looked even semi-realistic.
Who knew NOT smoking would cause me problems?
Charlotte Brontesaurus was a popular novelist…
January 6, 2012
I could have also made this Emily Brontesaurus, but I will never forgive her for inflicting Wuthering Heights on humanity.
Inkjot 